Wednesday, January 24, 2018

It's hotter in Hell.

For those of you flock complaining about the hot weather around Nuova Lazio, let me remind you that it's hotter in Hell.

It can get up to 65 degress centigrade in Hell. That's bloody hot!
You want to go there? Just commit a mortal sin or don't accept my invitation to adore me.

The bottom left should say Venial Sin - 
this sign writer is going to Hell!

This one's too small to read - 
are all Christian sign writers
keen to go to Hell?

Sorry about the signs.
It works like this:

Mortal Sin: Go to Hell, go directly to Hell, do not pass go.

Venial Sin: You're still in the game but you just landed on Oxford Street, it's got a hotel and it's not owned by you.

Ha! Did you like the Monopoly idea? I thought of that because I'm a clever guy. I'm very clever, in fact I'm the cleverest guy of all!

Okay, so summer is a time to think about Hell and how you don't really want to go there.
Some people will go straight to Hell.
Here's a list of some certainties:
  • Atheists
  • People in non Catholic religions
  • Real nasty bastards
  • Gay people
  • Extremely fat people (for the sin of gluttony)
  • The Curmudgeon
  • Heavy Metalers
  • People with really bad breath (who would want them in Heaven?)
  • Jazz musicians
  • Trombone players
  • People who drive V8s
Don't get all smug if you're not on the list because there are more of you going too.

Isn't summer fun!

Monday, January 22, 2018

And I was born in a manger.

Six wise men set out to find me on that still night.

They followed a star.
A six pointed star.


Away in a manger,
No room for a bed,
The little Lord Angry Jesus
Went blogging instead.

Friday, January 19, 2018

The Interesting Case of Dr Plato.

I've just been reading Bin's Bass Bag - HERE.

Dr Plato certainly says some interesting things.

Dr Ivan Plato
His book The Absolute Wrongness Of Evolution is well written. I do however question his dating system. Erenial Time Measurement is a simpler form of Aldian Measure and tends to shorten generation spans by about a third. Not a bad thing if you're writing a book on History because it keeps it shorter. Aldian Measure is a much more widely accepted method of time measurement. Even Einstein said, "Particle mass is well accounted for in Aldian Measure and, in years to come, it will replace other methods such as Erenial Time Measurement."

Even I don't want to argue with Einstein, and I'm a very smart man. Definitely the smartest man ever. A God really.
I'm not so sure about the Mozart chapter either. Though I do know that Christopher Gluck helped Mozart out with a lot of his stuff. Those 1950s super computers were pretty good so maybe those technicians wrote some of Mozart's stuff.
The Earth (aka Jasper) is actually 2518 years old. That's a long time and I know about time because I'm a very smart guy. The smartest really! No one else is as smart as me.

Monday, January 8, 2018

How old is old?

Two of my flock, Robert and The Curmudgeon, have been arguing about how old things are. Here are a few pictures to get you in the right frame of mind.

Old chair

Old dog

Old car

Carbon dating was mentioned by the boys.

Two people dating

Okay, okay, that was a little humour to kick things off. Here are the facts.
The Bible was written just over 2,000 years ago and not much of worth happened before then. Really it was just savages running around. This was because of bloody Eve (of Adam and Eve) leading the first boy astray. Incidently, that's where the word dating was first used, so it's an old word. Adam and Eve happened 6.000 years ago - a very long time ago. Anyway, Dad wrote The Bible and that's where you should get your facts from. The Bible doesn't need interpretation because Dad told it the way it is (was). Remember that Dad made science.

If you don't understand all this, it might be worthwhile consulting The Book of Baxter.

The Book of Baxter 1/0:1


In the beginning there was absolutely nothing, well except for God, Angry Jesus and Mrs God. 
And there was Heaven - the three of them had to live somewhere.
One day (exactly 6,000 years and three weeks ago) God said, "I'm going to make something."
First of all He made a bookcase.

It took him the best part of a day.

Then He made a deck.

It was a big deck.

Then, while they all sat on the deck, Angry Jesus said, "This is uncomfortable. We need some outdoor furniture."

Blam! "Done!" said God.
Angry Jesus said, "You made the bookcase and the deck properly but, when it came to the furniture, you just used your super powers. Why not make something a bit more spectacular?"
It took a while for Him to get onto really big things. Two weeks actually, but He was in no hurry.
Then He really got going and a week later the Earth (aka Jasper) was done - with light, food, two people, a snake and a sacred apple tree. The rest is history and is recorded accurately in The Bible.

Friday, January 5, 2018

The man who could talk to flies.

This story dates back to the time when the Saradites were first defeated by Baxter.


It tells the fascinating story of Ardenote, a man originally form Sheba, who served in Baxter's army.

During the final battle with the Saradites Ardenote was hit of the head with the handle of a sword. He spent eight months in a tent near the great Comodian Desert (not to be confused with Comodian Dessert that was popular in biblical times) recovering his wits.

Comodian Desert

Comodian Dessert

Eight months near a desert listening to the buzzing of flies.

Ardenote had nothing to do but to listen to the buzzing. He started to discern different pitches. A little while later he heard certain inflections that seemed to occur more frequently. Then, finally he started to pick up sentences.
"Found dead rat."
"Me come sit on it."
"Man in tent stink good."
"This good rotting food."

One day a fly landed on his forearm.
Without thinking, or planning to, Ardenote spoke in fly.
"What you want?"
"Just rest and smell arm." the fly replied.
"Okay." Ardenote said. "Do you have a name?"
"Me called Andrew." the fly said.

Andrew the fly

"Is that a Hebrew name?"
"Me don't know."
Then Ardenote asked a question that everybody asked in those days.
"Do you believe in God?"
"Sure." the fly replied.
"What sort of a god?"
"We're Christians. Well, when me say 'we' me mean most flies. Some still believe in Maggot, the great fly god."
"So you flies expect to go to Heaven?" Ardenote quizzed.
"How you think those fly shit stains get on bibles? We read Hebrew pretty well."
"But what would flies do in Heaven?"
"What would humans do? At least, if we there, they could try to swat us."
Ardenote laughed. The fly made good sense.
Andrew was in a chatty mood, so he continued...
"Humans make some big mistakes when they translate the bible. They talk about The Holy Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Humans misread the bible. It actually talks about The Holy Quartet - God The Father, God The Son, The Holy Spirit and The Holy Fly.
This annoyed Ardenote and he tried to swat Andrew, but Andrew was too fast and he flew around the inside of the tent shouting,
"Missed me just like you missed The Holy Quartet! You humans got it wrong! Woe, woe!*"
Ardenote apologised to Andrew for trying to swat him and Andrew accepted the apology, though he was always a little careful when he landed on Ardenote. They became good friends and Andrew was careful never to sit on Ardenote's food because that seemed to upset him. Flies and humans obviously had different customs.
Mostly the two friends talked theology and Andrew put his friend right about a lot of mistranslations.
When Ardenote was fully recovered he said goodbye to Andrew and returned home. He tried to teach others fly but they called him mad and scourned him. When Ardenote eventually died the fly language and the truths that flies knew were lost to humans forever.

* a fly way of laughing

Wednesday, January 3, 2018

The Parable of the Wandering Minstrel.

The Book of Baxter 19/77:9

Baxter was having a quiet evening at home and a few glasses of wine.

He was a bit bored and lamented the fact that it would be a long time before TV was invented.
There was an unexpect knock at his door.
Baxter called out to one of his slaves, "Who is it?"
"A guy with a guitar thing master." the slave replied.
"He must be a minstrel." Baxter said. "Let him in."

The man was indeed a minstrel.

A minstrel
The man introduced himself. "I am Celda and I am a professional minstrel."
"Well then, entertain me. Play something." said Baxter.
"No, I'm a professional minstrel. I charge 17 gilmors an hour." Celda told him.
"Well, give me a sample, I don't know if I like your stuff. Look on this as an audition." challenged Baxter.
"Do you ask a plumber to audition?" asked Celda.
"Well, plumbers seldom turn up uninvited at my door." Baxter retorted.
"I practise for many hours, my instrument is not cheap and jobs for a wandering minstrel are not plentiful. I bring both art and entertainment and help to make the world a better place.
Baxter reached for his very sharp sword and eyed up Celda's throat. Then he really couldn't be bothered cleaning up blood.
He grabbed Celda's guitar thing and smashed it. Then he told him to bugger off.
Celda threatened legal action but Baxter was already walking away and thinking of something he could do to quell his boredom.
Celda made an official complaint to the minstrels' union and, for quite a while, Baxter was sent threatening scrolls. He never read them so he didn't become upset and form an army to kill all minstrels.
Celda eventually got another guitar thing and moved on with his life but he vowed one day to settle his score with Baxter.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

The Book of Baxter 27:15/7

The Year of the Great Famine.

Baxter had just returned from putting down a rebellion by the Saradites.



The Saradites were not a bright lot and refused to surrender so the best option had been to slaughter them all.
It had been a busy time but now Baxter was home and hungry after servicing all his wives.
A servant came to him and said, "Baxter, while you away there has been a great famine. We have nothing to eat."
Baxter stabbed him in the throat with his very sharp sword because it seemed like a humane thing to do for a starving guy.
Then Baxter summoned his best soldiers and told them to round up all the dogs in the city.

Then he instructed his army to build a slaughter house.

It stunk a bit around the area but soon there was meat for everyone. 

Baxter told his men that they would keep what was being produced in the factory to themselves. They sold the meat as beef. One up side was that Baxter was able to charge a very good price for the meat because there was nothing else to eat. Another up side was that, for ages, there was less dog shit around the city.

Once again the people owed a huge debt to Baxter. Dog walking sort of went out of fashion for quite a while. In some parts of the city other animals, like rats and ferrets, were put of leads and walked - old habits die hard.